By the fact that I have a baby girl, whose first birthday we just celebrated – this final part should NOT make you cry!
It’s not easy being happy when things have gone wrong before. You’ll always wait for the other shoe to drop, like there’s something bad around the corner waiting to pounce on you. After seeing that faint positive pregnancy test, I placed it on the counter and waited for Moe to come home and see it. I drew on the instruction sheet with red arrows pointing to the positive test example and wrote “we did it – again”! Moe was beyond ecstatic, kept on asking me if I was “sure” – well I hadn’t gotten my period so yes I was sure! We drove to Canada 2 weeks after. My mom figured it out the minute I said no to a glass of wine! Moe had planned a surprise 30th birthday for me, and everyone was so inebriated that they overlooked I was stone cold sober! The day we went in for our first ultrasound, I did not look at the screen. My eyes were shut hard until I heard the technician print an image and said “congratulations”. THAT’S how scared we were. When the doctor saw us, I asked him “anything else you want to tell us?”, he hesitated but said “you have a cyst a bit over 2cm on your right ovary” – of course, that’s the bad news we were waiting for. Of course this wasn’t going to be easy. We came home, worried once again, didn’t tell anyone. I wanted this pregnancy to be different, I wanted to enjoy it, I wanted to be happy.
I made it a point to meditate everyday, to focus on the good, to shun away negativity. I would make it to spin class every other day, I focused on everything being okay. Mid August 2017 we went in for a meeting with our genetic counsellor Mrs. M as we had opted for the NIPS (non invasive prenatal screening) test. She was so happy to see us pregnant once again – and assured us that the ultrasound looked good. A week later Mrs. M called me while I was babysitting a friend’s son, and said “I have the results”. I have to admit, my heart stopped for a second. She asked if I wanted to be with Moe to hear the results, I replied “tell me NOW”. Mrs. M said “the baby is fine, no abnormalities – would you like to know the gender?” I immediately called Moe and he sounded so giddy on the phone! We were expecting a baby girl. When we went in to meet our doctor, he congratulated us again, and told us that the cyst on my ovary disappeared – things were starting to look better.
Days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and I turned into a hippopotamus! We travelled to Italy (a trip booked prior to our pregnancy) and I missed out on all the wine and delicious cheese! Our baby shower came by quickly too, and then the new year was upon us. 2018 was going to be our year – this was IT. My due date was 23rd February 2018, but I kept hoping baby girl would arrive early because the heart burn was intolerable! On my due date, I drove to my OBGYN and I had only dilated 2cm, and there was no indication of me going into labor. The next day at 3am I felt a small gush of water. I woke Moe up but he said it was probably nothing, so I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning, no contractions, but I was soaking up a pad faster than I should have. We called the doctor and they asked me to come in. I ate waffles for breakfast, had a hot shower, and started prepping for the hospital. Once we got in, they checked me in and told me my water broke, and that I am not leaving until I deliver the baby.
I was induced in the afternoon, and managed to endure the contractions for 12 hours, after which I kicked Moe out of the room and begged for the epidural! With half of my body numb, I slept until the nurse asked me to sit up and let gravity help bring the baby lower. THIS was IT – I had to get ready to push. That’s also when I found out Moe was NOT going to be holding my hand, but that he would be holding my leg, helping me push out baby! I pushed for 40 minutes (ridiculously proud of that number), Moe trying not to freak out, my mom praying and pacing the room – till we saw that head full of hair. It felt like we had to wait forever for that cry, but once we did, Moe and I joined in on the waterworks. Our little girl lay on my chest and I took turns between kissing her and Moe. In my sweaty state, my sleep deprived husband, my daughter with goo all over her – this was my perfect little family, and I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING in the world.
Our journey was not an easy one, but no one’s ever is. The downs make you appreciate the ups, and in turn you become grateful for the smallest things. I like to believe everything happens for a reason, that maybe our first child wasn’t meant to be a boy, that maybe we weren’t ready, but these are all things I imagine to justify what happened in the past. I haven’t forgotten my boy, and I never will. I still have that blue file, filled with test results and sonograms, tucked away in my ottoman. At first I was ashamed of what happened, but I wanted to share my story because now I’m starting to believe it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. It’s not your fault. Have hope, believe in that rainbow, I PROMISE it’s going to be worth it.